“Coming up on your right, ladies and gentleman, you’ll see Sean Penn snuggled up to Jennifer Lopez, and basking to your left, is the well-known Madonna.”

Although it may sound like we’re guests to a Hollywood hoe-down or fortunate ticket takers to the prestigious Oscars, we’re halfway around the globe, cruising along a muddy tributary that bisects the town of Melaka, on the west coast of Malaysia. And leading our excursion is a very comical and imaginative tour guide.

For 36 years Bernd Goodtink has operated Paramiswara Tours and has integrated his sense of humor with some of Melaka’s historical venues. During this laid-back river cruise, we ogle over the six foot (1.82 m) long lung fish lizards that clamor over the waterway’s mucky shoreline. While flaunting scaly hides and 32 razor-sharp teeth, they share no resemblance whatsoever with the actors, but each one bares an adopted famous name and is part of Bernd’s first-class act.

Cruising along the Melaka River

We drift slowly in the Panama-style cruiser and pass by jerry-built shacks that swagger along the boggy banks like tired old tin men. Their tarnished crowns are topped by sheets of corrugated aluminum and ramshackle torsos are supported by toothpick-thin stilts. Mudskipper fish flip-flop at their grimy front door stoops and the 60-pound (27 kg) slimy lizards slither beneath.

Smiling women veer out over sun-splashed verandahs, appearing oblivious to the creatures that crawl below, and their curious wide-eyed children gaze inquisitively as we float by. Although the lines of airing laundry indicate occupancy in others, many of the humble hovels are vacated, waiting patiently for new face-lifts.

“Over the next few years, the government plans to invest mega ringgits [Malaysia’s national currency] to transform this muddy canal into a replicated scene out of the 1700s,” Goodtink shares over the loudspeaker. “It’ll be like a vision right out of Venice.” We are informed that authentic materials, such as 100-year-old bricks, will be imported for fabrication, primitive huts will be transformed into pastel abodes to imbibe a Mediterranean feel, and gallant gondoliers will paddle past the historical attractions that have already stood rooted for centuries.